Lovers

Lately I have been longing for a romantic touch. Simple stroke of the cheek, hands tracing mine, something. I am usually not one to crave such things. My life has been me not caring much for affection or romantic love but this feeling is so intense. Can you explain it? I cannot.

I have many admirers (I am not bragging) but I am not interested. It is very hard for me to connect to people. Especially on a romantic level. I have a couple potential choices, but they really are not choices and are rather complicated. You see, I have this fear of men. I cannot and will not be left alone with a man and the thought of sexual interaction grosses me out to be honest.

I am attracted to men, I just do not want to be touched by them. A man has his needs and I do not blame him at all. No matter how patient they may be, there will come a time where they cannot wait any longer and that is not fair to them. So I do not date men because of my lack of sexual interest and fear.

Women however, I am sexually interested in. Very much so actually. The problem is finding myself a woman. There are some who are attracted to me, but I do not want to be with them. I want quality and I am sorry to say, they simply are not. There is one woman in my life who I love so much in every way. Her just being my friend gives me the satisfaction I need. With her I do not ever need a lover. But she is not sure about her feelings for me other than friendship.

This is okay though, if you knew our history you could better understand, that is something I am not going into today though. The point for today is deciphering my romantic longing. Yes I did just say that I am satisfied with having nothing but her friendship and nothing or no one else. This is so very true, but it does not stop the cravings.

In bed I cling to my pillows for comfort, I want the safety that another body provides. I look in the mirror and see the loneliness in my eyes. When I touch my lips I feel how cold they are. My hands are so empty. None of this makes me sad it just reminds me of what I do not have. Even though I do not need it, I want it. I want a lover.

Here is an interesting twist on things; I want a man. As previously stated, I am not sexually attracted to them so this happening is nil, but what I mean is I want a woman who is masculine. Feminine masculine, if that makes any sense. Such as a woman who is more a gentleman but is still obviously physically a woman. Oh, I cannot explain it! I have never been good at explaining things.

Anyway, I really am not too picky about physicality, this is just the ideal. So my longing remains, I dream of my gentlemanly woman who will give me all that I need and more. I will give to her all she needs and more as well. I long for perfect romantic balance. Until then I am here feeding off of romanticism.