Inadequacy

My greatest fear is that I will never be good enough. It is a feeling that I cannot shake and something that makes me tremble. I do not think that everyone is better than me nor do I feel any need to be number one, but if I hold an important position in someones life I do not want to be replaced. I do not want them to find someone better than me and I do not want to become a dust covered nuisance. Though my fear does not stop with how a person I care about values me.

I am at an age where I am sitting at the doorway of adulthood and my future is staring me in the face saying, "Whatever move you make determines the rest of your life so if you mess up it is all on you." The responsibility of taking charge of ones own life is a common anxiety felt by most but in my case I feel as though if I don't hurry up and grab the reigns then I will fail. I have so many valuable attributes and I could definitely present the world with something great if given the chance, but I feel so inadequate due to my mental and emotional problems.

I have ADHD, manic-depressive bipolar disorder, OCD, CSP, clinical depression, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and posttraumatic stress disorder. Dealing with these things often leads to a feeling of inadequacy. Over the years therapy and medication have helped to teach me how to work with those things as well as maintain them in a healthy manner. I have grown to be a stronger person whom I am proud of and yet, despite my very best, I still feel so defective.

I like to live with an optimistic perspective because it helps me to press forward. Though I cannot deny my gut-wrenching fear of not being good enough, which often leads to a series of panic attacks and anxiety, and though I try to aid myself in hopes to become "good enough" such as with losing weight (unfortunately I will find any excuse to reside in my eating disorders anorexia and bulimia. My boyfriend has helped tremendously though and I have been working hard on being healthier.), I am working on conquering that sick feeling and fear of inadequacy.

I have chosen to state this fear because it is my first step in facing it head on. No longer am I in denial and I have addressed it publicly in order to make it "official" in my mind. This is just one more step in bettering myself as a person and I am proud of myself for the progress I have made.

Remember friends, you are good enough. You are worth it.