Death

My great grandmother had a stroke that almost killed her two nights ago. She is 99 years old and is not expected to make this, the stroke left permanent damage to her brain and she has an incurable kidney problem that causes her body to shut down.

Death has been a big chunk of my life, it started with my great grandfather. I was four years old and I remember the funeral clearly. I remember what I was wearing and I remember how big the church felt and how strange it was to look at the face of my dead grandfather.

My second experience was when my great aunt died. I was about seven years old. I did not see her often so I was not very attached to her but again I can remember the feeling. Everything felt like it was frozen and unreal. I felt invisible and like nothing existed, so I ran through the halls which all ended up at the same place; her casket.

The third experience was when my boyfriend died, I was twelve. He died rescuing his drowning brother. I did not go to the funeral service for this one but I went to the memorial service. I cried and I observed and I hid in the corner and listened to everyone give their sentimental speeches.

My fourth experience I had no connection to but it was my grandmother's friend. She took me with her to the funeral service for emotional support. I was thirteen. When it was our turn to look at the body I just stared at him. I had no idea who this man was but he looked so happy and so peaceful. Apparently he was a great man who led a good and full life. I never thought I would witness a natural death.

Fifth experience was the death of my other boyfriend. I had just turned fifteen. He died falling through the ice and drowning/freezing to death. This death took a life changing toll on me. I had always dealt with death so well until his. I did not go to his funeral service.

Sixth experience was when my friend died the next year, I was sixteen. She was hit by a drunk driver. I did not go to her funeral service either.

My seventh experience was when my friend died from cancer, I was seventeen.

Now here we are again, back to my great grandmother. She has been in so much pain and has had such a huge and full life, she lived it as she wanted and her death is not a bad thing. All her loved ones with the exception of her sons and the family that branched from them, are up in heaven waiting for her. She was a strong Christian lady who was very faithful (is still faithful) to her God. A dying breed (literally in this case) if I do say so myself.

How each person deals with death is different. Sometimes it is dealt with in different ways depending on the death. I cried for some and I went numb for others. How do you handle death? Do you handle death? I know some who do not even acknowledge it. I have a lot of opinions as far as death is concerned but that is not the purpose of this post.

I needed this post to clear my head. I am trying to stay strong I just... Friends please send good wishes towards me and my family. All the support I can get I greatly appreciate. Even a princess needs help and being able to admit and ask for it is a task in itself. There is nothing wrong with it and no one should ever, EVER, feel bad for needing help.

Love

Throughout our lives we come across at least once, the concept of love. What is love? How do you define love? We ask ourselves multitudinous questions and apply so much hype to the idea of love that it gives us some grand assumption as to what love should be. The truth is though, love is as you define it. If your love is not agreeable to someone else and their version of love, that does not make yours wrong or any less 'love'. There are different kinds of love too, friendship, family, erotic, romantic, materialistic, and on and on.

So what is love according to you? Think about it, what have you been told and what impression has been placed upon you? Compare that to what your feelings say. Is it not interesting? What I also find interesting is how love is ever changing. The definition changes and love is not required. Love is note a requirement, treasure it while you have it. That is a common mistake I believe that we make. We assume that love will always stay with us with that person or that situation. Yes that would be nice but the truth of the matter is, love is not a requirement. It never should be. So please friends...

Please savour every moment you have those loving feelings and be thankful for that time. If the love fades or goes away just remember that it can always come again.

Now to explain why I chose to go on about my views on love. It actually has nothing to do with the fact that St. Valentines Day is fast approaching. I personally do not celebrate it. No, it has to do with my very best friend. In my last post it explained the events that occurred during my birthday, one of them being me and my best friend broke up as boy friend and girl friend. Well I am back with him as of February 3rd, and I am so glad for this.

You see, I have had love for him for quite some time yet I wanted him to say it first if he did in fact have those feelings for me. As it turned out, he does. He told me so a couple days ago. It makes me very happy to have that confirmation and yet I did not need it. I am glad to have it but I already knew he cared for me deeply. What has made me so joyous for this is that I now can say it to him. I was not afraid of pushing him away but I wanted him to have no pressure and to feel no obligation in regards to our feelings for each other.

This is our love; total trust and deep caring. What is yours?