I am Doll

I Am Sorry

2011-10-10T00:20:00.000-07:00

I have neglected this blog. So much has happened since that last post. My name isn't Bonnie by the way, that is a change in my profile for an alias in another blog that I failed to run properly. I had to leave beauty school because being around tiny hairs triggered my asthma and nearly killed me. Literally. My boyfriend and I are still happily together. We've been living together since December 6th, 2010. I work at GameStop, he's going to a nice school. A lot of rough crap has happened. I was going to list it briefly but ... No one reads this anymore. I don't blame you friends. I really don't. You can find me on tumblr however. I actively update it almost every day. iamdoll.tumblr.com. I don't know why I am posting right now. I guess... I'm just sorry.

Happy News! - Evergreen Beauty School

2010-09-28T15:18:00.000-07:00

So today I went into Evergreen Beauty School to see if I could get some financial aid and everything thing else related. The main reason why I would not be eligible is because my mother filed for bankruptcy a while ago and also did some deferring on some other finances which messed up her ability to be able to attend there and seek financial aid. Without the aid there is no way I would be able to attend so as you can see this was a very big deal for me. The reason why what she did might effect me is because even though I am eighteen, they still refer to my parent's tax information until I am twenty five. When we got there everyone was in a particularly good mood which helped to lighten my spirits. I am an optimist as stated in one of my earlier posts titled Optimism (I am so creative with names, I know), but regardless I still could not help but feel a sense of suspense as we waited in the nice financial aid manager's office.

My mother and I filled out all of the information and sat for what seemed to be the longest five minutes of my life in anticipation of what was to come. To my delight I turned out eligible but what made it even more fantastic is that the aid covered $16,101 of my $16,600 worth of tuition (in grants and in loans). This news has made me so giddy and happy that I have been smiling nonstop since and wiggling. Yes, wiggling. I wiggle when I am particularly excited or happy. I do not know why that is so but it is and I embrace it. :)

So I am going in Monday, October 4th for my interview which consists of me filling out a bunch of papers and officially enrolling me just in time for November quarter. My life is falling in place so wonderfully. This is such a nice break from all the mountains I have had to climb. It is about time my future became present. Yes friends I will be cutting and styling hair very soon, working my dream job and living with my boyfriend. What more could I ask? I am very proud of myself and so thankful for those who have been supportive and helped me along the way such as my mother, my boyfriend, my best friends, and my grandparents. Without this team behind me I do not think I ever would of stood a chance in life. But here I am on the threshold of my adulthood.

I am a very very happy princess.

Halloween Themed Ghost Nails, Pink Cuff

2010-09-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

I decided to take a break from the excessive girlishness kick I have been on and do something a little more holiday appropriate. So I made some cute yet spooky Halloween nails! Now if you read my blog last year around this time you should of seen the post Samhain Is Soon where I basically explained how I do not religiously celebrate Halloween but the Wiccan equivalent, Samhain. Still I do enjoy dressing up and taking my little sisters trick or treating and making cute Halloween themed goodies! If you would like to know more on my beliefs and Samhain, go ahead and click the link then read on. And now for the pictures.

Ghosties! I sculpted the cute little guys and hand painted the stars, grass, and moon for a nighttime feel. Because I mean really, how often do you hear of daytime ghosts? Tehe~ The Ghosts are made out of polymer clay. Here is a close up.

Okay so it isn't so much spooky as it is adorable but still! I stayed away from the pink, ribbons, and lace and stayed true to the Halloween spirit. Well... Until I decided to make this cuff which is completely unrelated.

This was so fun to make and I plan on making many more in various colours. Please excuse the mess in the background, my roommate was folding her laundry ,oh, and excuse the picture quality as well (and as usual). Unfortunately I could not take a picture of me wearing it or rather, there would be no point due to the fact that my wrists are particularly small. Seriously, I have to take precaution when wearing most of my bracelets because they have the tendency to fly off into oblivion never to be seen again (I talk with my hands which my boyfriend so affectionately makes fun of me for). Oh well~ This just means I will have to make smaller cuffs for myself and those with particularly small wrists. That just means even more additions to my inventory which will soon be made available in my shop. In the meantime please enjoy the spooky cuteness and excessive frill. Thank you!

Update, Posts Removed

2010-09-24T16:35:00.000-07:00

I have removed my auto-biography posts and put them in a new blog that I made today. The new blog has been made invite only and will not be advertised due to the sensitive nature of the content. I especially apologize to those who were particularly interested in following my auto-biography, I really did not want to have to make it private but because of some potential legal matters, I needed to. There is not much else to be said other than please continue to enjoy the rest of my blog and have a nice day!

:)

Tres Jolie, Baby Blue Hime Gyaru Nails

2010-09-24T14:35:00.000-07:00

I have been working on things that I will be selling on my Etsy.com account. The overall theme of the items is Hime Gyaru, Lolita, and all around girly with the occasional quirky, kitchy, cute! Among the variety of goodies are fake nails that I have designed and hand decorated/painted. This is what I have done so far but no worries, I definitely will be posting the others as they are made (I am working on a graveyard themed set for Halloween!)

The nails are in no particular order other than the obvious pinky to thumb sizing. As I say and will continue to say for every picture taken with my cell phone, I apologize for the poor quality.

In addition to the nails I also decorated some cute little containers that will store the nails and keep them safe when being shipped. :)

And that is it! Sorry this is such a short post but what all can I really tell you? I decorated nails, a container, and they are pretty. The end. Regardless, I hope you enjoyed your stay~

Sweet Lolita Bag

2010-09-22T19:29:00.000-07:00

Hello! I have been crafting away in my little basement bedroom (it is the perfect size for me) since I learned how to use my sewing machine (finally), and I decided it was time that I use my favourite fabric by some guy I cannot remember the name of. I have held off for two years on using that fabric because I wanted to make sure that when I did use it, nothing was wasted. So I made myself a bag!

Sweet Lolita really is not my preferred style of Lolita but I must say I do love the accessories. Sweet Lolita is not very flattering on me so I generally stick to Classic Lolita or Gothic Lolita because it suites my taste as well as my figure. This does not mean that I do not have a weak spot for bright pink and sweet prints, lace, and pastel colours. Oh no, quite the opposite. Which is why I made this!

The picture quality is terrible because I use my cell phone to take the pictures, but regardless there it is! My own Sweet Lolita bag that I have been using ever since I made it (this morning, haha). I really need to iron it. You cannot tell me that, that fabric is not just so cute. It is bright but not too bright, covered in goodies but not too much going on, and very durable! I like fashion AND function.

(Hey look, there is my Hello Kitty wallet) I cut up an old skirt I use to wear when I was fat so I could give it extra durability as well as a nice interior. However I do need to apply some lace over the stitches and mess to finalize the project and make it look better in general. I fought with my sewing machine so much during this project. Seriously, it was absolutely ridiculous yet I remained composed (mostly) and stepped away so I could come back to it with a calm mind. All in all I am very happy with my new bag and it was totally worth the bickering between me and the machine. I can guarantee that there will be more projects to come and maybe even some tutorials! Tata~

Pets

2010-09-20T03:41:00.000-07:00

So my boyfriend and I want to get a pet (and by a pet I mean one out of many future pets) when we get our own place. The thing is, we tend to lean more towards the exotic pets. And by exotic I mean piranhas, eat-your-entire-body snakes, pygmy marmosets, giraffes, wolves, and ... Ferrets. Okay so a ferret is not exactly exotic but the point is what we want is not easy to get, except for the obvious ferret which is what we will most likely end up getting. He hates cats, I love them. I am not too keen on dogs and he loves them. We have our slight (and very few) differences but regardless what are we to do? That is literally our list and I have to admit that the more exotic creatures are the ones that I particularly want.

Such as giraffe. I absolutely love giraffes. My bedroom is loaded with various giraffe themed items. My love started when I was an itty bitty princess about four years old. My mother took me to the zoo and when I saw the giraffes I was so tickled by how ridiculous they look that I excitedly squealed, "Eraffs! Eraffs!" I have adored them ever since.

I mean just look at them! Look at those dreamy big eyes and silly fuzzy horns. Could anything be any cuter? Well yes actually. My boyfriend wants a wolf or a husky. Thing is, is that we will be living in an apartment and an apartment is no place for that kind of a dog. Plus I do not think the attendants would appreciate a wolf being on their premises. Which is why I came up with the most adorable and perfect alternative!

A pug! Okay so it isn't exactly a wolf or a husky, but it would fit perfectly in an apartment (or my purse)! When I brought this idea up with him he was at first quiet. The expression on his face at first said, "There goes ten manly points." but to my surprise he then actually agreed. Apparently he has a soft spot for little bitty dogs. Needless to say I was very pleased. It may not be a wolf but it sure is cute! Though my boyfriend does need something that will restore those lost manly points. Which is where piranhas fit into this.

Yes piranhas. He absolutely loves these things and to be honest I think they are kinda cute in a that-fish-could-totally-kill-me sort of way. It is like an adorable scaly mini fish of death! :D I am bound and determined to get him one. There is a particular breed of piranha that he likes which also happens to be the most aggressive and worse yet, expensive breed of piranha. I cannot remember the name right now but if I do I will be sure to post a link here. In the meantime however, since we're on the theme of minuscule pets, lets talk pygmy marmosets.

Is that not the most adorable thing you have ever seen?! The best part is, is that they are actually LEGAL to own! Oh my goodness I would be the happiest girl in the world if I owned one of those. Look at that face! In fact this thing is just so cute I have to post another picture.

I cannot help but do that horribly obnoxious high pitched "awww!" that every girl in the entire world does when they see something so unbelievably cute. Yes my friends, that is the pet that I would kill for. Not really, but I would do a lot to own one of those adorable, tiny, itty bitty, teensy weensy, cutie, little, fuzz balls! I can just imagine sharing grapes with it. Oh my gosh I need to move on to the next pet on our list before I shatter glass with more squeals of sheer enthrallment.

My boyfriend wants a snake. But not just any kind of snake. He wants a super huge snake that could swallow a small child. I completely support this with the exception of you would basically have to steal small children in order to keep one of those things fed and that is just too much legal stuff for me to handle. I like snakes a lot. They are like a necklace, bracelet, and pet all in one! How they move just fascinates me. Plus they have cute tongues. Another problem if we got one of the huge snakes is where would we keep it? I know I didn't bring this issue up when talking about the giraffe but that is beside the point. Frankly I do not want to worry about tripping over a snake when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

We have discussed the rather exotic pets so now lets move on to the less exciting but still really appealing, ferret!

If we got a ferret it would be like having all of these pets in one. Ferrets are elongated like a snake, they have sharp teeth like a piranha, they are cuddly like a pug, they eat treats with you and climb on your shoulder like a pygmy marmoset. The only pet it does not cover is the giraffe. I am sure I could think of something if I really tried, but the point is that a ferret encompasses everything we want in a pet. We want something we can interact with, cuddle, and sick on unsuspecting guests. Yes friends, the more I think about it the more I see us getting a ferret as our first pet. Though I still say we should get a pygmy marmoset. But then again I would be kind of worried about it being sucked up the vacuum or eaten by my boyfriend. The funny thing is, I am not kidding.

Lolita Inspired Candy Pin Cushion

2010-09-19T20:57:00.000-07:00

I am so happy! I finally figured out how to set up my Janome Hello Kitty sewing machine (I am a beginner and yes it is a Hello Kitty machine, so cute!) and made my first item. As the title implies, a Lolita inspired candy pin cushion! The first line of stitches is crooked and not that great, the second and third show improvement, and finally when you reach my final line it is perfect! Yes, I am very proud of myself. I come from a long line of crafters, DIYers, and the artistically inclined. Luckily for me I inherited these wonderful genes and discovered at an early age that I have quite a knack for them. Now do not get me wrong, I am not bragging by any means. Mistakes happen here and there but it is all a learning process. No, I am not bragging, I am taking pride in what runs through my veins. Enough rambling on my part, on to the pictures!

I apologize in advance for the poor quality images. My cell phone does the best it can and my digital camera currently lays dead on my desk. Poor thing... This is the most accurate colour representation of the picture lot. If you look to the left you can see my first line of stitches. Very uneven and too loosely applied. But then if you look to the right you can see progress! :D Hurray!

This is a close up of the fabric. Isn't it beautiful? Normally I am not too keen on purple, not that I do not find it pretty, just it is not my favourite colour but this fabric really caught my eye. The lilacs are so dainty and the cream colour base of the fabric is just so complimentary. I could not help but use it.

In addition to my sewing I have also been embroidering a handkerchief that my Grandmother gave me. It is not quite complete yet but this is the work thus far:

As you can see it is not much but I will be sure to post pictures when I am done. The roses are based off an embroidery technique called the spider rose technique. It is super easy and very fun to do with such lovely results. That is all for now but I will be sure to post more of the things I make as I complete them which should be quite a lot considering I will be reopening my store soon and selling the various treats I have made! Thank you for reading, bye bye~

Inadequacy

2010-09-13T15:25:00.000-07:00

My greatest fear is that I will never be good enough. It is a feeling that I cannot shake and something that makes me tremble. I do not think that everyone is better than me nor do I feel any need to be number one, but if I hold an important position in someones life I do not want to be replaced. I do not want them to find someone better than me and I do not want to become a dust covered nuisance. Though my fear does not stop with how a person I care about values me.

I am at an age where I am sitting at the doorway of adulthood and my future is staring me in the face saying, "Whatever move you make determines the rest of your life so if you mess up it is all on you." The responsibility of taking charge of ones own life is a common anxiety felt by most but in my case I feel as though if I don't hurry up and grab the reigns then I will fail. I have so many valuable attributes and I could definitely present the world with something great if given the chance, but I feel so inadequate due to my mental and emotional problems.

I have ADHD, manic-depressive bipolar disorder, OCD, CSP, clinical depression, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and posttraumatic stress disorder. Dealing with these things often leads to a feeling of inadequacy. Over the years therapy and medication have helped to teach me how to work with those things as well as maintain them in a healthy manner. I have grown to be a stronger person whom I am proud of and yet, despite my very best, I still feel so defective.

I like to live with an optimistic perspective because it helps me to press forward. Though I cannot deny my gut-wrenching fear of not being good enough, which often leads to a series of panic attacks and anxiety, and though I try to aid myself in hopes to become "good enough" such as with losing weight (unfortunately I will find any excuse to reside in my eating disorders anorexia and bulimia. My boyfriend has helped tremendously though and I have been working hard on being healthier.), I am working on conquering that sick feeling and fear of inadequacy.

I have chosen to state this fear because it is my first step in facing it head on. No longer am I in denial and I have addressed it publicly in order to make it "official" in my mind. This is just one more step in bettering myself as a person and I am proud of myself for the progress I have made.

Remember friends, you are good enough. You are worth it.

Hime Gyaru Nails

2010-09-09T00:39:00.000-07:00

It has been so long! It has also been a particularly long time since I have posted anything about something less serious. As you know, I take a particular interest in princess and classic lolita fashion but this doesn't stop at just the clothing. If you are faithful to hime gyaru style (princess girl style) or just fancy yourself glamorous doses of girlie loveliness, then you know that decorated finger nails are a perfect way to feel glitzy and flashy without emptying your bank account.

Today I decided I needed exactly that. So I sat down with my new nail polish called "Princesses Rule" by O.P.I. and my big box of nail decorations, and went to work! I have to say that I was so happy with the final product that I decided I should make a blog post and show off my hard work. I am quite pleased with myself though I am worried the bow (that I made myself) might come off in my sleep. After five layers of top/base coat you can only hope it would be glued on properly. Anyway, here they are, my very excessively decorated nails. Enjoy.

Tada! Pay no mind to the miscellaneous in the background. I honestly could not tell you what exactly all that is so it is best just to ignore them. Thank you for looking at my nails, I hope I could possibly inspire someone to do their own! Have a nice day.

Looking Up

2010-07-23T15:21:00.000-07:00

I have a lot to catch you all up on. As you know I have had a lot on my plate, the main dish being that I needed a job. Well my applying like a mad woman has paid off! I went in for an interview at Discount Gun Sales today and the lady liked me so much she hired me right away. I start work tomorrow and I must say that I am so happy. Things really have been looking up and what timing!

These past couple of weeks have been particularly trying for me for various reasons. So much so that I have been having suicidal thoughts. Now, let me make this blatantly clear, I will not and will NEVER kill myself. I just sometimes want to. I do not support suicide and there is no excuse for it. It is nothing but selfish. Now, there is a sort of suicide that I will explain at a later time, that I do support and before you get all huffy with me, relax. I said I will explain what I am talking about later. Wait until then before you get upset.

Anyway, things are looking up. Not only did I finally land a job but I also am enrolled to take my GED courses starting next week Tuesday. My living situation is improving as well. I will be moving back into my mother's house so that my step father can take care of me and keep me on track. The only thing with that is I still have yet to tell my mother. I will not surprise her with it the same day I move back in, that is just uncalled for. The house is only a backyard away so I do not see it as any great length. Eventually I would like to move out but for now I am just happy with what all has been going on.

My boyfriend has been exceptionally supportive and helpful with all this. He keeps me calm and comforts me as well as helps me to keep moving forward. Honestly I do not know where I would be without him. No I do not depend on him but he really is such a big help. I am thankful. Anywho, that is all I have to say for now. I know I apologize almost every blog post but I want to let you all know that I am sorry I am not able to post as much as I use to. I have received some letters inquiring as to why and expressing their missing of my flood-posting.

Once life evens out a little more I should be able to post more consistently. My laptop just last week, was horribly contaminated with so many viruses that I literally cannot use it anymore so my access to the internet has been limited(currently me and my boyfriend are house-sitting for his mom and she has given permission to use her internet). Not an excuse I know, but I just want you to know that it is not on purpose! I love writing and keeping everyone updated. This is it for now, I will write later.

Stay strong friends.

Troubling Reality

2010-07-05T03:45:00.000-07:00

A series of unfortunate events (I love those books) have been taking place. They push me to the brink and very hard and trying decisions are needing to be made. "What do I do?" I find myself asking. I learned of the abuse that has been going on at my Father's house when my sisters have to go live there. The trouble being that we can't simply go to court and gain custody. Reason being, we cannot afford it. My family is in poverty (I live with my mother full time) and we can hardly afford the every other week that they are here.

So what exactly do we do? We have no source of income except for my grandmother's retirement. Other then that? Nothing. I myself continue to apply anywhere and everywhere so that I may help out. My original plan was to simply get a job and give half the earnings to my grandmother and mother to go towards the family all while I attend college. But since we have learned of this abuse we need to get my sisters over with us full time so that they are safe. My plans have now changed and I am to post-pone college and work on getting two jobs to go towards the family. One pay check will go to the family entirely, and they will get half of the other pay check.

I must make this work, I have to make this work. I need jobs and I need them now. I am desperate. Please friends, send me all the positivity and blessings that you can. The very safety of my little sisters is at stake and I cannot allow that to continue on any longer. If any of you have any ideas, solutions, or work for me please contact me

Here I Am

2010-05-31T10:59:00.001-07:00

It has been way too long since I have written here. I think about it constantly but am rarely ever online. I do not mean to be so neglectful. So let me get right to the point and update all of you on everything.

I am now single, my best friend is no longer my lover and that was his choice. It is okay though, I am just happy I did not lose my best friend simply because we broke up. Friendship is extremely important to me, one of the things I hold most value to. I am thankful. My heart does need to heal but all in all I am doing alright and I know that everything will be okay.

I dropped out of high school and then immediately called the SSCommunity college and have myself signed up for Fall classes right after I get my GED this summer starting in June. I am proud of my decisions and hold no regrets. Wish me luck!

I still live with my grandmother but every other week I live at my friend's house working as a part time maid. I am happy to have at least some sort of work. I am still running my shop but I am revamping it entirely. Do not worry, all will work itself out. I plan to finally sell my artwork in my shop. I am also still looking for another job. I need one so I can move out.

There is so much more I could update you on but I honest to goodness can not remember any of them. So you have the important things established at the very least. I am making my own way and doing the best I can to go forward. There is no way I am going to let my future slip between my fingers.

I will talk to you later friends. Again I apologize for the lack of posts.

Tres Jolie, My Store

2010-03-24T19:05:00.000-07:00

So I now have a job and I could not be more happier! Tres Jolie is finally up and running. I feel so blessed to be able to make and sell things and I am keeping my fingers crossed for my success. I love crafting and I really needed a job so put both together and you have my own store. I am hoping to get to the place where I am earning enough to be able to help a considerable amount with household bills. You see, my boyfriend and I are going to be living together and I need to be able to contribute. It would not be fair to leave that all on him! He is so wonderful and deserves much better then that.

Anyway, I have been very diligent to design and create new items. I make everything from scratch so it takes some effort but work wouldn't be work without, well, work! It has been my dream to be able to make and sell my own creations and my dream is blooming right in my very hands. Wish me luck friends, it is not an easy task to be able to maintain your own business much less be able to be successful. But then that depends on how you define success? I am sorry this post is so short but I need to get back to work, hehe. I will probably post Tres Jolie updates in addition to my random ramblings in this blog. Maybe more tutorials will come of it?

Only time will tell. c:

Jobs

2010-03-16T11:58:00.000-07:00

I have been looking for a job for months now and out of about seventy+ applications received two call backs which ended up being duds. The economy is so downhill that finding a job and getting a job have become far separate challenges. So what do you do to earn some income? You can start your own business (Etsy.com is a wonderful place for this)but that requires a lot of time and devotion and not to mention, starting money. I have a shop on etsy that has been sitting there just begging for some attention. I have the ability to create beautiful things to sell, so why have I not?

Inspiration is hard to come by nowadays, at least for me because mine generally resides in fanciful happy things adorned in lace and pearls. It could also be a form of laziness on my part, I have all the things just not enough energy to do anything about it. Also, out of sight out of mind is an unfortunate habit of mine. I have the worst memory and despite my best efforts, this remains a problem. Stress also tends to take a bite out of my creativity and that is never a helpful thing. So this is why I would really rather have a more structured job that would keep me in line and on the job and then have my own little shop be purely for hobby-sake. At least until I really jump up and get into it.

I have many reasons for needing a job and I promise it has nothing to do with buying myself dresses (though occasionally I would treat myself to such things, that is important you know!) My reasons are more important then that. I would like to move out and have my own place to live and then there are the expenses that follow that. Daily living I would like to be able to afford, simply put and it would not be fair or right for all of that stress to be placed on my wonderful boyfriend. No, he needs to focus on his studies and not have to worry about me.

A fancy or glamorous job is not something that I am concerned with. I do not care about being rich, I just want to be able to live my life more independently. I am a princess who does require care and spoiling but I never said that care and spoiling has to come from someone else. It is purely a magnificent treat and blessing when it does come from another. So wish me luck friends on finding a job. Because I have been so avidly hunting I have not been paying enough attention to my blog and that is not fair to you my darling readers. Please keep your fingers crossed and hopefully I will have a job by the end of April (preferably sooner~).

Death

2010-02-11T10:54:00.000-08:00

My great grandmother had a stroke that almost killed her two nights ago. She is 99 years old and is not expected to make this, the stroke left permanent damage to her brain and she has an incurable kidney problem that causes her body to shut down.

Death has been a big chunk of my life, it started with my great grandfather. I was four years old and I remember the funeral clearly. I remember what I was wearing and I remember how big the church felt and how strange it was to look at the face of my dead grandfather.

My second experience was when my great aunt died. I was about seven years old. I did not see her often so I was not very attached to her but again I can remember the feeling. Everything felt like it was frozen and unreal. I felt invisible and like nothing existed, so I ran through the halls which all ended up at the same place; her casket.

The third experience was when my boyfriend died, I was twelve. He died rescuing his drowning brother. I did not go to the funeral service for this one but I went to the memorial service. I cried and I observed and I hid in the corner and listened to everyone give their sentimental speeches.

My fourth experience I had no connection to but it was my grandmother's friend. She took me with her to the funeral service for emotional support. I was thirteen. When it was our turn to look at the body I just stared at him. I had no idea who this man was but he looked so happy and so peaceful. Apparently he was a great man who led a good and full life. I never thought I would witness a natural death.

Fifth experience was the death of my other boyfriend. I had just turned fifteen. He died falling through the ice and drowning/freezing to death. This death took a life changing toll on me. I had always dealt with death so well until his. I did not go to his funeral service.

Sixth experience was when my friend died the next year, I was sixteen. She was hit by a drunk driver. I did not go to her funeral service either.

My seventh experience was when my friend died from cancer, I was seventeen.

Now here we are again, back to my great grandmother. She has been in so much pain and has had such a huge and full life, she lived it as she wanted and her death is not a bad thing. All her loved ones with the exception of her sons and the family that branched from them, are up in heaven waiting for her. She was a strong Christian lady who was very faithful (is still faithful) to her God. A dying breed (literally in this case) if I do say so myself.

How each person deals with death is different. Sometimes it is dealt with in different ways depending on the death. I cried for some and I went numb for others. How do you handle death? Do you handle death? I know some who do not even acknowledge it. I have a lot of opinions as far as death is concerned but that is not the purpose of this post.

I needed this post to clear my head. I am trying to stay strong I just... Friends please send good wishes towards me and my family. All the support I can get I greatly appreciate. Even a princess needs help and being able to admit and ask for it is a task in itself. There is nothing wrong with it and no one should ever, EVER, feel bad for needing help.

Love

2010-02-10T16:32:00.000-08:00

Throughout our lives we come across at least once, the concept of love. What is love? How do you define love? We ask ourselves multitudinous questions and apply so much hype to the idea of love that it gives us some grand assumption as to what love should be. The truth is though, love is as you define it. If your love is not agreeable to someone else and their version of love, that does not make yours wrong or any less 'love'. There are different kinds of love too, friendship, family, erotic, romantic, materialistic, and on and on.

So what is love according to you? Think about it, what have you been told and what impression has been placed upon you? Compare that to what your feelings say. Is it not interesting? What I also find interesting is how love is ever changing. The definition changes and love is not required. Love is note a requirement, treasure it while you have it. That is a common mistake I believe that we make. We assume that love will always stay with us with that person or that situation. Yes that would be nice but the truth of the matter is, love is not a requirement. It never should be. So please friends...

Please savour every moment you have those loving feelings and be thankful for that time. If the love fades or goes away just remember that it can always come again.

Now to explain why I chose to go on about my views on love. It actually has nothing to do with the fact that St. Valentines Day is fast approaching. I personally do not celebrate it. No, it has to do with my very best friend. In my last post it explained the events that occurred during my birthday, one of them being me and my best friend broke up as boy friend and girl friend. Well I am back with him as of February 3rd, and I am so glad for this.

You see, I have had love for him for quite some time yet I wanted him to say it first if he did in fact have those feelings for me. As it turned out, he does. He told me so a couple days ago. It makes me very happy to have that confirmation and yet I did not need it. I am glad to have it but I already knew he cared for me deeply. What has made me so joyous for this is that I now can say it to him. I was not afraid of pushing him away but I wanted him to have no pressure and to feel no obligation in regards to our feelings for each other.

This is our love; total trust and deep caring. What is yours?

My Eighteenth Birthday

2010-01-12T22:30:00.000-08:00

My birthday was January 8th and might I say that it was very good. My mother surprised me with beautiful decorations and so many giraffes (my favourite animal). Of course the question was asked, "Now that you are eighteen, how do you feel?" Which lead me to this blog post.

To me age is a number, it is maturity that counts. The only issue with this is that often times maturity is depicted with age. I had to grow up very quickly in my earlier years (which you will read about in my auto-biography posts), because of this I matured much faster than most my age do. More so than the usual "older than your agers" So when I was faced with this question I simply said that I feel no different, I just finally have the number to go with my feelings. Eighteen being the legal adult age, I have many more freedoms and obligations. I do not feel the stress however, as I said, I am the same.

My question for you friends, do your feelings change with age? Or do you find age irrelevant? Hmm...

As far as the events that went with my birthday; the boy I was dating, my best friend, and I broke up. Do not worry, we are going to try again later. Right now there is a lot going on in his life and the obligation of a relationship is an avoidable stress, which I completely understand. We did not break up on my birthday however, three hours before (four and thirty-six minutes if you want to get technical) 9:00 pm. He stayed up with me til 12:00 am so that he could be the first to wish me happy birthday. That was the most special part of the whole day.

I did not sleep at all, literally. Every time I tried I just started crying. It is okay friends, I was okay. I was just feeling bummed but I am fine. **Side note, never be ashamed or afraid to cry! Not only is it good for your health, it can be the sanity boost you need** So as you can imagine I was tired for my birthday events. My friends Abby and Michelle were there. We all went to this absolutely delicious restaurant. I was in heaven! I had my nose ring changed to an eternity ring
(seamless ring that you need pliers to remove from the nose), which I love! It hurt though, a lot more than the piercing itself. Did I mention that I am a pierced princess?

My hair use to be pink then that is a different nose ring too, hehe. My hair is now super dark chocolate brown and fierce red. I do my hair myself because it saves me money and I am very picky and precise.

I then saw the movie Sherlock Holmes, it was amazing! The next day I went to a different piercing parlor and had my lip pierced. That did not hurt either but getting the jewelry in was not pleasant.

All in all it was a very fun birthday with good company and spirits. I think that birthdays are important, each moment alive is important. Very few take the time to acknowledge their existence and a birthday leaves almost no excuse! Though I like them so much because it gives me an excuse to give people presents. See, I am a giver and that gets me into financial problems more than it should. Something I will work on, yes? Oh the life of a princess (or any sort of person for that matter) is always full of improvements!

Update

2009-12-17T10:50:00.000-08:00

My dear readers, I am so sorry that I have taken so long to update my blog and continue with the auto-biography. Much has been happening in my life behind the screen and I have been neglecting my blog and you the reader. I just wanted to let you know that everything is going well and that as the holidays are fast approaching I am going to be more and more busy. What you can expect for the remainder of this month is a look into the life of a pagan during the winter season. I will share with you my festivities. Also you can expect another part to my auto-biography. Lastly I will be giving holiday ideas to do with your friends, family, and special someone.

Again I apologize for the lack of blog updates, but I assure you friend; you are not forgotten!

Healing

2009-12-08T17:44:00.000-08:00

As you have noticed I have taken a step away from the auto-biography. This is because I have been so busy, but with great things! I went camping, got a job, and as for the whole reason for this post, have a boyfriend.

Yes a BOYfriend. He has been my best friend for many years and Friday we became a couple. I titled this post "Healing" because that is exactly what has happened. I have a horrible fear of men due to treacherous history with them. Those experiences (which you can read eventually in one of my auto-biography posts) left me scarred. He, my boyfriend, knew that I was very uncomfortable with men, but he never (and still does not) knew about why. Regardless he was very careful with me and made it his mission to get me to the place where I am comfortable with him. His motives were entirely about me, all he wanted was to help me and show me that men are not all evil.

Him and I understand each other and talk about many things, some of which I have never shared with others. He is very considerate and kind, and cares deeply for me. We have had feelings for each other for years but because of my fear I never pursued him. He on the other hand, pursued me. We are an ebb and flow of relaxation and balance. He plays with me and teases me, and that is just what I want and need. I am proud of him and could brag about him for hours. He is really a great person and a wonderful friend.

He successfully completed his mission, then decided to change it. This time to maintain my comfortableness with him. This shows my healing from the harm done so many years ago. I am thankful for him and so happy that we are together at last. I feel safe around him, and the best part of all this is; nothing changed between us except for now we are each-other's.

So I felt it important to document this beautiful event especially since the goal of this blog is to track my progress and growth. This is definitely a huge step for me. I wish all of you who have been hurt so bad, may receive such wonderful healing.

My Values

2009-11-05T11:59:00.000-08:00

This has been one of those days where I am feeling rather reflective. Lost in my thoughts about various things I realized that I have not stated my values. I mean sure you can guess from my previous posts, but to list and elaborate, I have yet to do. So that is what this post will be about. My values in elaboration.

Honesty.

Honesty to me is very important because how else can you expect to learn anything, if what you are learning is a lie? I am often lied to and do not take kindly. I have learned how to tell when someone is lying, but the behaviour disgusts me. So many wrongs can come of it, like a rumour or false allegations. Simply put, I cannot trust or respect someone who just lies. I know there is a time and place for such things, but a constant is not acceptable.

Friendship.

Friendship is extremely important to me because it is a love that can fulfill me to the point where I do not even need romantic love. Friendship is something I want forever and I am always looking for my forever friend. Someone to listen to and who will listen to me. Someone I connect with even if we disagree. Someone who will always be there and will work things out and stand by me, as I will with them. True friends are rare these days and are easily confused with the 'friend who just kinda hangs around until something better comes along' type. A person should always have at least one friend, someone they can count on, always.

Optimism.

My personal experiences have been rather dark. So much wrong has happened and yet, I regret and would change nothing. You see, it is those hard times that have helped me to grow and be the strong young woman I am today. Optimism is being able to see the good even in the most horrible of situations. Some say "that just isn't realistic" but I beg to differ. When I was going through the horrors of living at my father's house, knowing that someday I would be free of him, kept me going. That seems sad but it helped me a lot and it eventually did happen. I am thankful. This is all very real and I would rather benefit myself rather than put myself down or make things harder.

Clarification.

I would rather be told something absolutely horrifying than left guessing as to what just happened. I value clarification because I see no point in leaving people running around in circles clueless. It helps to end relationships cleaner and guess free, and it helps people to move forward and know how to handle things better. All in all, friends, please just give clarification, it saves so much trouble.

Confrontation.

I value confrontation because if I have done something wrong or that does not suite you, let me know so I can learn, do something different, or talk about it. I like to get things resolved and fixed. How am I suppose to do this if you do not confront me with what I have done? I confront others as well, some do not know how to handle it. Now, how the confrontation is gone about is something to be careful of. You do not want to come off as a raging bull from hell.

Intelligence.

You do not have to be a mastermind to be intelligent. I understand being goofy and silly, that is all well, but please do not be a complete dunce all the time. Think before you act the best you can, same before you speak. Think, use your brain! You have it for a reason. I know everyone makes mistakes and we all have our off days, of course myself included, just please try when you can. Intelligence is such a beautiful thing. Even if you are completely wrong with whatever you might be discussing; learn otherwise and continue on. Simply taking the time to think is a miraculous occasion now a days.

Side note;
I will be adding more and more to this post I am sure. I have many values big and small, but I do not think I can think of all of them right now. Haha. As I always say, more on this later.

Happy Halloween

2009-11-01T00:28:00.000-07:00

This was a very good Halloween. I did not get to leave gifts for the dead and reconnect with loved-ones passed, but I got to enjoy it with my baby sister. She is so in love with Halloween she literally plans for it the day after. Halloween also happens to be my mother and step father's anniversary, so I offered to babysit.

Szadika, my baby sister, was a pink mummy fairy. That is the strangest combination, but there was seriously a costume for it, so of course my mother ordered it for her. She loved it though, and looked adorable. I did her makeup all "spooky" and did mine as well (I was a zombie). When I was applying my stage blood, her eyes grew wide and she asked me if she could have some too. I asked her if mummies have blood and she told me, "They do now!" She is such a funny little thing. So I put some stage blood on her face, lit the jack-o-lanterns, and we head out for our candy excursion.

There is a house that every year does a fantastic job of decorating their house. Seriously the man living there plans all year (much like my sister) for what his next decorating job will be. This year I have to say has been my favourite. His yard had "tombstones" and "zombies" and all kinds of spooky things. He set up a house of webs over is driveway and had a fog machine inside. You have to walk through that to get to him if you want any candy. My little sister though was too scared, so I asked him if I could do it for her, but he came to me instead. He walked over and we talked about his decorating. He gave her a handful of candy, then he turned off the fog machine and walked both me and my little sister through the web tunnel, so she would not be afraid.

She was afraid at first but quickly fell in love with everything and could hardly stand leaving. He gave her another handful of candy, and turned the fog machine back on. Her and I walked out and her gave us one last handful of candy, and wished us a happy Halloween. She was very pleased with herself for her stash of candy from the first house, and the fact that she over came her fears. We stopped at many different houses, hitting up about 4 blocks worth (oh yes, yes we did). Our last stop being our grandmother's house. We stopped there and she sat down munching on some candy, and soon fell asleep.

I walked home and took a shower, watching my zombie self go down the drain. All in all this was a very good Halloween. It is a wonder what a simple little time with a loved one can do. She is a ball of sunshine and I love her very much. My parents came home, they said they had a great time. Now here I am in bed, writing this blog post. Friends I want you to know that it does not take great feats or gobs of cash to bring happiness. I walked around with my little sister and enjoyed her company, and I feel great. Spend time with your friends and family because it is the people who care about you and love you the most that matter, only they can make you truly happy. I had a great Halloween, and I hope you did too. I will write later, good night.

:)

Upset 2

2009-10-25T20:01:00.000-07:00

I really cannot explain it, I have just been feeling so alone. I look in the mirror and it takes me a while to find myself. Like I am not there at all. I usually do not have self-esteem issues. I believe in loving and taking care of myself, it just seems so hard to do lately.

I really need a friend who I can talk to and feel connected with. My hear beats, but it beats alone. I am a butterfly friends, but my wings are clipped. If someone has any duct tape let me know, I would like to fly again.

Upset

2009-10-21T18:15:00.001-07:00

Oh blog, I have been presented a task that is so much to handle. I will have the support of friends and family, yes, but I cannot believe what has happened.
My father has gotten his way once again. Usually I am so optimistic, but there is no way to vanquish this and to stop him. So now I have to get myself a job to help support my family. This is such a burden though I have to do it. I have to. I am at such a strange place, I cannot cry and I cannot tantrum. I just sit here thinking about what has to be done. A princess must remain composed through everything and she must think positively. So I move forward and keep my chin up. There is much to do.

Oh My and Updates

2009-10-17T23:51:00.000-07:00

I have done a poor job on this Halloween edition blog haven't I? Haha. Oh well. What is done is done. I still have not figured out a costume for myself. This is okay though, I will just make myself spooky and take my little sisters trick-or-treating. After all, that is my favourite part of the holiday, watching all the little ghouls run around in their scary personae.

For now I am going to simply update you as far as my life is going as of current. What happened between me and that wonderful girl is we decided to work on our friendship before we delve into a relationship again. This is for the best. She is still just as wonderful as ever and I am happy to have found such a charming friend.

I do not know if I told you this but, I resigned from my place of work. They were not giving me enough hours and the time gaps between working times was so large that I forgot how to do everything. You see, my memory is terrible and I cannot work efficiently if I do not even know what I am doing. Consistent work just suites me best, and so I am searching for a job. Oh wait I just realized that I did already post something about my resignation. Well then I am still looking for a job and if anyone in the Seattle region would like a multi-talented princess on staff I am more than willing to oblige. :P

October really is a sickly month personally. Every year since I was tiny I have always gotten sick during October. For the past week or so I have had the flu and might I say it has taken its toll on me. On the positive side I have lost 5ibs and am closing in on a smaller pant size. This is good because I watch my figure intently and I work very hard to maintain a dainty appearance.

My romantic life is back to lone, this is okay though, I do not complain and I am still perfectly happy. My joy is not dependent on others thank you very much! A princess must live for herself and know how to make herself happy instead of rely on others to bring her said happiness. Frankly everyone should know this and work on this. I think it would do the world a lot of good to learn to satisfy one's self.

My most wonderful news of all is that my artistic block is gone! Completely diminished and I have not been so excited in so long! My hand finally flows and produces wondrous pictures just as it use to. I am so thankful to be able to use my talent again. Art is very important to me and as my grandfather taught me when I was a little girl, "Art will always be my first love." How right he is. I really love my grandfather so much. I get my thinking process from him you know~ Any who, I can draw again and I feel relieved. I really did miss the smell of pencil shavings and clean paper.

Happy

2009-10-10T16:54:00.000-07:00

Remember that wonderful girl I was talking about previously? We are dating now. I could not be happier, she truly is wonderful. She is a prince indeed, she treats me with respect and I feel comfortable with her. That is saying a lot considering it is very hard for me to feel relaxed around others. I am not afraid of her judging me or running away, though she has not seen my weirder side (except when I hiccuped a bean...)

I am very excited to see where this goes and I am hoping it goes far. I really like her, I want to see us shine. I have always wanted someone to go through everything with. I really am a handful, I hope she can handle me. Of course I will do my best not to be a handful, just the idea of me being more burden than not is paining. It is okay though. I am not afraid.

More on this later.

Ramblings of a Princess

2009-10-06T11:57:00.000-07:00

So this is not a Halloween post, but do not worry friends, I will post one today. I met this charming girl yesterday. She expressed her fondness for me and we have been talking since. I am really enjoying her company, of course I am doing my best not to jump to conclusions or try anything, but I feel something different about her. She is so beautiful and conversationally inclined. Is she a prince? Who knows but I am interested in seeing where this goes.

Also, my work called me today (yes the princess works) and told me that I will be getting paid finally and that I have more working hours. I am very glad for this because then I can pay off the last of my debts and start saving up for random things either for myself or for others. I am very careful to make sure I do not get myself into debts that I cannot pay back. It is important for any respectable person to keep their word and to manage themselves properly. Though it can be struggling for some, I am thankful for my ability to discipline myself.

I wish I could discipline myself into coming up with a collection for my art store. I am seriously lacking inspiration. This artist's block has got me so down. More on this later.

I Am Sorry

2009-10-04T19:11:00.000-07:00

I am having a bit of trouble guaranteeing a new Halloween post every day as you see, I am sick and have a lot going on right now with school. I will do my best to keep up with the festivities but please do not be surprised if I miss more days. I am so so sorry, I hate not being able to keep my word.

Trick or Treat Day 2

2009-10-02T17:11:00.000-07:00

Time for day two of our Halloween count down! Lets get started.

"Mini-treat bags and tree

Materials:
- Varied 3" x 41⁄2" pieces of fabric (you can use scraps left over from pennant bunting)
- Needle and thread or sewing machine
- Ribbon, string or twine for drawstring
- Scissors
- Black spray paint, branch

Instructions:
1. Fold down long edge of rectangle 5⁄8" on wrong side of fabric. Stitch 1⁄2" from fold to make casing.
2. Fold rectangle in half, right sides of fabric together. Stitch along cut edges (1⁄4" seam allowance), stopping just before casing.
3. Turn right side out. Attach safety pin to drawstring and work through casing. Tie ends of string together.
4. Hang on spray-painted branch." - You can find this wonderful craft idea at womansday.com

And now for a treat! On a side note first, I would like to address something. Some of these ideas are mine and some of them are not. You see, I am providing ideas for you and your friends or family. I provide links to the places where I find these wonderful ideas so that you can explore more in depth and give thanks to the right people for sharing their creativity with the world. Now back to the treats! (:

Blisstree.com provides an awesome idea for crunchy spiders! Not real spiders thankfully (poor creatures) I am going to make some of these to hand out to the trick or treaters.

Now for a spook story...

"Person Trapped In Crypt Turns White Haired Overnight

Urban Legend: A person makes a bet with their friends that they can spend the night in a cemetery crypt and is found in the morning insane with snow white hair.

The Story:
A person is dared to spend the night in a crypt in a local cemetery and is found in the morning totally insane and their hair has turned snow white. This one can vary from biker club initiation, fraternity or sorority initiation or a dare between a group of kids. It takes place usually in an gated above ground crypt. The person is locked in with the dead and left over night. No one knows what actually happens to said person because they never speak again, their hair turns snow white and they go insane.

Origins:
This legend has been told as having happened in various parts of the United States but no true origins can be found. I actually heard this one when I was growing up." - This is another excellent legend provided by halloweenghoststories.com

Trick or Treat Day 1

2009-10-01T13:55:00.001-07:00

Hello and welcome! For this month's posts I will be sharing Halloween tricks and treats! A new idea (or two) for every day until the big day. I am so excited, I just love crafts. So let us get started~

Floating ghosts:

A fun way to spook up your house or yard. I do not have pictures and I apologize for that, but hopefully when I am explaining you will be able to visualize. Sorry for the inconvenience!

Materials:
- Helium tank or go to local party store
- Balloons or go to local party store
- Large white plastic bags
- Sharpie or permanent markers
- Ribbon or string
- Paper weights or medium sized rocks

If you have the convenience of a party store, go to the store and have them fill up how ever many balloons that you are wanting. They usually tie the ends off with a ribbon or some string, and sometimes you can get a weight to keep the balloons from flying away. If you do not however, follow these steps;

1. Blow up as many balloons as you want with the helium machine.
2. Tie one end of the ribbon/string to the balloon and the other end to the paper weight/rock.
3. Draw a spooky face on one side of the big white garbage bag.
4. Place garbage bag over the balloon.
5. Enjoy your floating ghost!

Here is an excellent recipe from kidsfunreviewed.com for pumpkin cookies. What a tasty treat, I think I will make some as Halloween approaches~ <3

Now it is time for a Halloween trick~ How about this?

"Person Trapped In Cemetery Overnight Dies

Urban Legend: A person makes a bet with their friends that they can spend the night in a cemetery and are is found dead in the morning in the arms of a graveyard statue.

What It's About:
A person makes a bet with a group of friends that he or she (more often it's a she) can spend the night in the cemetery. The person is found dead in the morning, laying across the arms of a large statue, usually of an angel with it's arms out-stretched. This legend also included a statue of an old woman seated with her arms out stretched, a woman standing with her arms out-stretched. Variations on this are: as an initiation into a gang, a fraternity or sorority or into a high school clique. The dead person is found dead with no sign of injury or has also been found to be sitting on the lap of the seated statue with crushed ribs, presumably by the arms of the statue. But the end result is always the same, the person is dead in the arms of the statue.

Origins:
This legend has been told as having happened in various parts of the United States but no true origins can be found." - I found this at halloweenghoststories.com

Samhain Is Soon

2009-09-30T21:32:00.000-07:00

Samhain, Halloween, all hallows eve; whatever you want to call it, is fast approaching. Fall is such an interesting time of the year. You get to watch the world change in brilliant shades of orange, red, yellow, and brown. And I finally get to wear my crochet scarves! But what I like about it most is knowing that each day is getting shorter and the spirits are getting more and more anxious for Samhain.

Samhain is a celebration of thanks and the end of the harvest. The God is going to rest until Yule, then he will be reborn. It is also the time where the spiritual and physical world separates and is more apparent, the dead and living get to enjoy a sabbat or holiday together.

Nowadays it is unlikely for someone to harvest unless it is a garden or farm. So the more modern form of celebration is dressing up and trick or treating, and if you are a part of paganism (whatever religious sect you chose) a bountiful feast and getting in contact with your deceased loved ones or simply acknowledging the dead is fitting.

I personally like to celebrate holidays in a more traditional way which can be rather complicated if you do not have the right resources. I spend the day open minded and relaxed, allowing the presence of the spirits to enjoy themselves. I carve jack-o-lanterns and then bake the seeds for a tasty treat; of course leaving a bowl out for any hungry spirit. As the day passes and it becomes darker, more and more candles are lit. Afternoon we all dress up in our finest Halloween garb and then at around 8pm I take my little sisters trick-or-treating. They get to enjoy some sweets before bed and of course a few spook stories. Then finally, either alone or with fellow Pagans, I clear my mind and create a circle.

I give thanks to the gods and goddesses and to the spirits joining us that night and I ask for a clear mind and protection while I go into the depths of the spirit world to give a visit with my dead loved ones. When all this is done I give another thank you and say goodbye to the visitors. Time for bed then.

Really Samhain is a wonderful time. I just love how everyone feels equal and get to act whoever they want to be. I love how I get to visit with my passed loved ones and know that they are doing fine. So much magic in every sense of the word. You do not have to be a form of Pagan religion in order to enjoy it so deeply though. You are always welcome to share the joy. I personally am apart of the Wiccan form of Paganism. A lot of people mistake Paganism for being its own religion. Do you know how Christianity has many different sects such as Catholic, Jewish, Protestant? This is the same for Paganism and all sorts of other religions. It is a common and understandable misconception. :)

I think I will post a new Halloween idea every day in October until Halloween itself. Something like a craft or snack or costume idea. Yes, I will do this. Oh, how fun! I really hope you all enjoy it, I know that I will; I am so excited!

Lovers

2009-09-29T13:43:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been longing for a romantic touch. Simple stroke of the cheek, hands tracing mine, something. I am usually not one to crave such things. My life has been me not caring much for affection or romantic love but this feeling is so intense. Can you explain it? I cannot.

I have many admirers (I am not bragging) but I am not interested. It is very hard for me to connect to people. Especially on a romantic level. I have a couple potential choices, but they really are not choices and are rather complicated. You see, I have this fear of men. I cannot and will not be left alone with a man and the thought of sexual interaction grosses me out to be honest.

I am attracted to men, I just do not want to be touched by them. A man has his needs and I do not blame him at all. No matter how patient they may be, there will come a time where they cannot wait any longer and that is not fair to them. So I do not date men because of my lack of sexual interest and fear.

Women however, I am sexually interested in. Very much so actually. The problem is finding myself a woman. There are some who are attracted to me, but I do not want to be with them. I want quality and I am sorry to say, they simply are not. There is one woman in my life who I love so much in every way. Her just being my friend gives me the satisfaction I need. With her I do not ever need a lover. But she is not sure about her feelings for me other than friendship.

This is okay though, if you knew our history you could better understand, that is something I am not going into today though. The point for today is deciphering my romantic longing. Yes I did just say that I am satisfied with having nothing but her friendship and nothing or no one else. This is so very true, but it does not stop the cravings.

In bed I cling to my pillows for comfort, I want the safety that another body provides. I look in the mirror and see the loneliness in my eyes. When I touch my lips I feel how cold they are. My hands are so empty. None of this makes me sad it just reminds me of what I do not have. Even though I do not need it, I want it. I want a lover.

Here is an interesting twist on things; I want a man. As previously stated, I am not sexually attracted to them so this happening is nil, but what I mean is I want a woman who is masculine. Feminine masculine, if that makes any sense. Such as a woman who is more a gentleman but is still obviously physically a woman. Oh, I cannot explain it! I have never been good at explaining things.

Anyway, I really am not too picky about physicality, this is just the ideal. So my longing remains, I dream of my gentlemanly woman who will give me all that I need and more. I will give to her all she needs and more as well. I long for perfect romantic balance. Until then I am here feeding off of romanticism.

All A Jumble

2009-09-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

The things that I have been through, the things I have seen, I just don't know why it all happened to me and I am sure more is to come. This post is not about self pity or sadness. It is about my own personal demons and how I am going to try and handle them.

I need to organize my thoughts, I cannot plan when I will be hit like a ton of bricks by a shadowed memory, but I need to have a game plan for when it happens. I am currently going through said bricks, so this is a great time to do some thinking. Okay, demons I have buried are here to visit, give them a wave? Accept them? Run away? No. I need to face them. It has been way too long and now is the time.

I will face them with confidence, I have made it this far and I must keep going. I have the strength to take them and eliminate them for once and for all. I am a strong and fierce woman. I am a princess, and when faced with trouble one must keep their nose in the air and not let the feelings show. There is nothing wrong with emotion but keep them under control. I need to keep control.

Accept help when I need it and even though I think I do not need it does not mean that I cannot accept it. That was a bit of a circular sentence was it not? I am writing this post to clear my mind. As you can see I am having a bit of a time keeping calm. I am calm, I am breathing, I am composed.

There will be times when what I am saying is not organized or carefully written. It is okay though, there is never a person who is consistently perfect. Or perfect in general. I am rambling and completely off focus. Oh my, I think I am done with this for now.

Curious Romantic Spell (poem)

2009-09-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

I'll hold the candle to your face and tell you that I'm here.
But if the candle should erase, I'll darken down your fear.
Your words I will give power but only if you believe,
from my tongue they dance, only to deceive.

Brush your hair one hundred times while looking in a mirror,
eat the apple pieces before the time draws nearer.
If you've eaten all your pieces before the clock strikes twelve,
as you sleep your dreams will wake with the most romantic spell.

You'll see the face of your true love, for this I am so sure.
But if you look and search too hard, you'll never find the cure.
On the day of marriage when you say your vows,
be careful not to mention, your innocent childish prowls.

If you do time will reverse, and the darkest days will come,
the candle's flame will rehearse the words of the witch's tongue.
Remember what I told you? About there being no cure?
Blow the candle out my dear, next time don't be so sure.

- Doll

I wrote this in spirit of the holiday to come, Samhain of course! Or all hallows-eve, Halloween, etc~ Now I know that it is not October yet but I figure I better start preparing now, so much to do! This poem is inspired by the ancient belief that if you brush your hair one hundred times while looking in a mirror, also eating the nine pieces of a red apple, when you go to sleep that night you will see the face of your true love in your dreams! It was more common amongst curious little girls. But be careful!

Goals

2009-09-25T11:17:00.000-07:00

So I was asked today what my career plans are and I said, "My mind is ever changing." My brain produces so many possibilities and I am interested in so many different things that I have a thousand things I could do but not an actual game plan. It is good to set a realistic goal, even if you change it, having something to work towards can be a rewarding experience.

I figured I would take a closer look into this question, and I did so in the following way;

1. What are my talents?
2. What are my interests?
3. What am I interested in the most?
4. What is the main 'genre' (art, sport, medical, etc..) of my interests?
5. What is my most consistent interest?
6. What is the more realistic option?

Thinking about those 6 questions really did help to narrow it down for me but I am still so indecisive. What if my mind changes? What if what if what if. Well the wonderful thing about being so young (seventeen so I really do need to be serious about my path) is that I have time to change my mind and do different things. I am not ready to be something astronomical right now, I just want to make sure I do the right things so that I still of a wide range of options when the future becomes my present.

When I come up with something I am sure I will write about it, until then I am going to look into the two most appealing career paths I have come up with for now:
Visual arts and artistic philosophy teacher or World War II and antisemitic historian.

Optimism

2009-09-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

If there has ever been a better time to smile it is right now. A few months ago tragedy struck the relationship between me and my very best friend. We distanced and fell apart while going our separate ways. This left me feeling very alone as you see, I may be a friendly individual but I have a very hard time connecting with and caring about people. Something I must work on, but that isn't the story for this post.

Time passed and I did my best to look at this situation in every light or to simply not look at it at all. I, being and optimistic person, decided that the best way to handle this was to be thankful for the lessons learned and time shared while the relationship was alive. Despite my best efforts and forced smiles, the ice started to form.

Success flooded me. Accomplishments occurred. Everything seem to be going fine, it wasn't. My art had left my fingers and my smile vanished. People I thought who were friends were revealing themselves and dropping like flies, I was literally becoming solitary. The ice had almost completely formed around my heart once again and I had come to accept my fate. You see, I learn to adapt despite the situation. It is key to survival after all; Then suddenly I received an instant message from her.

It started out as simple chit chat, nothing to remember really, but it then grew and grew into tear-stained words and violent expression. I spilled the reality onto the floor (do not worry, I remained composed and lady-like) and she shared her perspectives, opinions, and views. We discussed and empathized hour after hour til finally the perfect words were spoken. We confessed our missing each other and constructed a solution. With that we are now friends again.

There are rough patches to be smoothed, primarily on my part because I am so sensitive, but my heart was saved just in time. I feel the ice melting again and I smile brighter than I ever have before. I have my very best friend back and I forgive her completely. Friendship is something I value over everything else and her friendship is something irreplaceable. I feel whole again, revived, like I could take on the world again. I love this feeling and I love that girl.

My love for her goes worlds beyond friendship but just to be able to say 'friend' is more than good enough for me. I do not need her romanticism, I need her love. I have known this even before her. It does not matter to me if I end up with a lover. It matters to me if I end up with a forever friend and guess what, here she is, the only person in the entire world who has ever been able to turn my hell into heaven. My precious friend, Alice.

Tomato Sandwiches

2009-09-23T13:11:00.000-07:00

Tomato sandwiches are my absolute favourite. I am not very good when it comes to cooking, but sandwich making? I am quite excellent if I do say so myself. x) What I love about tomato sandwiches is that it is so easy to make and is satisfying.
Here is the recipe, the portions are for two sandwiches.

Ingredients:
- 1 medium size ripe tomato
- 4 slices of your favourite bread
- mayonnaise
- ground pepper

Utensils:
- butter knife
- knife
- toaster

Steps:
1. Place your bread in the toaster on medium heat and start it.
2. Cut your tomato in whole slices roughly medium thickness (be careful!) using the knife.
3. When toast is ready, take out (be careful!)and spread the mayonnaise on all slices of bread using the butter knife.
4. Sprinkle the ground pepper on all slices of mayo'd bread.
5. Add tomato slices to only one slice of bread per sandwich.
6. Put the other piece of bread on top and enjoy!

Tip:
- Use a knife that has a rigged blade (think teeth) when cutting the tomato, it makes it a lot easier.

Disclaimer: These portions are my personal preference, if you want more tomato add more tomato! If you want no pepper, add no pepper, what ever you do is up to you. :)

Simple Things

2009-09-23T11:35:00.000-07:00

In this day and age prices are astronomical and the economy isn't exactly up to par. My grandmother is always talking about when bread use to cost 10 cents. I bring this up because for those of you who are wanting to dedicate yourselves to the princess lifestyle, you may be worried about not being able to afford it. This is a common misconception and perfectly understandable. Princesses are often portrayed as spoiled, wealthy, and lavished.
Have no fear friends, you do not need money to live like a princess just an open mind.

1. Collect flowers and decorate your room. When your flowers are about 3 days old, press them and keep them in a scrap book. Your book could become your mobile garden.

2. Adorn your clothes with beads or faux jewelry. Glue rhinestones to your shoes and wear a beautiful brooch. Simple adjustments to your wardrobe can give you the more noble feel without costing too much.

3. Go for a walk, taking the time to relax and clear your mind can help you feel cleansed and is good for your health too!

4. Treat yourself to your favourite fruit.

5. Watch a movie or read a book, have some time to do nothing but breath.

6. Blow bubbles. Bubbles are so beautiful and can give you a sense of whimsy.

7. Have time for your hobby, sew, write, draw, sculpt, build cars, anything. Just take the time to do it.

8. Read by candle light or do everything by candle light. Candles have a marvelous way of setting the mood whether it be romantic or classic. It can make you feel like you are in a whole other world.

9. Start a dream diary.

10. Have tea time, if you do not like tea then serve your favourite drink(s) in tea cups! It will make you feel more regal and elegant.

( More to come~ )

There are so many other ways to enjoy simple pleasures. Come up with your own and make them into a routine, do something to help yourself relax and enjoy life. You have every right to.

I stress this because so many people let life get the better of them. Of course there are those times when you are overpowered, but when it is over, will you take the time to pick yourself up again? This is my concern. Princesses, princes, everyone of every kind, please listen to your body and to yourself.

Take a little time and enjoy the simple things. You may not realize it now, but those things help you and keep you steady. Like ventilation only a lot more graceful. I wish the best for all of you.

Fashion

2009-09-22T17:15:00.000-07:00

I simply love classic Lolita clothing. It is so decadent. I dream of being able to afford anything from my favourite store, Mary Magdalene and Innocent World. Their clothing is artwork come to life. I fantasize about their beautiful form gracing my body, accentuating my beauty.

These are some things from Mary Magdalene;

Are they not gorgeous? I love looking like a doll and living like a princess and there is absolutely nothing wrong with spoiling yourself! After all, in the end you are what you have. That isn't the point of this post, the point is for me to indulge my fantasies and gaze longingly at the beautiful creations I will someday own.

Here are some more things but from Innocent World this time~

I look and sigh then I look at the prices and cry, but have no fear! I do not need designer brand clothing to make me happy and feel beautiful. I can sew myself or reconstruct some clothing, or even find a cheaper vendor! My hunt continues for princess things, I need to make sure I am surrounding myself with positive influence, and what better way to surround yourself than to wear it! x)

I know I am a silly dreamer, that is okay~ I think I will post something about princess beauty, you know, tips and tricks? I think that could be a helpful reminder for myself and an idea for others.

Activities

2009-09-22T13:04:00.000-07:00

I think it would be good to create a list of activities that are well suited for ladies. Of course any gentleman has the right to these activities, but I am not a gentleman, I am a lady. Maybe I should make a neutral activities list as well? I will not worry about that for now. Here is my list.

1. Tea Parties
- What a charming way to catch up with friends and enjoy a light meal. You and your friends could take turns hosting the tea parties, or maybe you could make them a different theme!
* Tea set
* Tea
* Table or sitting arrangement
* Decorative cloth
* Plates
* Eating utensils
* Chairs or sitting mats
* Snack trays (3 tier preferably)
* Napkins
* Water basins

2. Garden strolls
- What is more lovely than a walk through a garden or park during a beautiful day? Collect some friends or just yourself, and enjoy the natural world around you.
* Parasol
* Comfortable walking shoes
* Outfit you wouldn't mind getting a little dirty

3. Croquet
- This is one of the most classic outdoor games in elegant history, and for good reason! You can play while looking beautiful in your sundress or vacation suite. It is an enjoyable and relaxing game, for more information go to this website.

4. Crafting or sewing
- Not only will you get to practice your sewing, this delightful activity always leaves you with a present! You can sit inside and craft so many things that could be used as gifts or personal decoration. Enjoy the company of your friends or have some alone time, anything is possible with a needle and thread (or glue :) )
* Panel skirt pattern
* Ball jointed doll (BJD) making tips
* Bear backpack tutorial
* High wasted skirt tutorial
* Flared skirt pattern
* BJD making tips2
* Tote bag pattern
* Lolita dress pattern
* Miniature hat tutorial
* Ribbon Lolita skirt
* Cloth doll making
* Lolita t-shirt reconstruction tutorial
* Basic Lolita skirt pattern
* Fancy Girl (lots of tutorials)

5. Antique shopping
- I love antique stores so much, they are my favourite type of store. You can find so many beautiful treasures and so many princess-like things! I swear it is like walking through time and going on a vintage adventure!

6. Museum visit
- Not only is this an educational opportunity, but it is a fun one as well. There are many different types of museums like art, doll, train, and even bodies! Go with your friends or go alone, either way you are sure to impress your guests at the next social gathering with your various conversational genres.

7. Enjoy the beach
- This is something everyone can enjoy, elegant or not! Go on a family outing or with friends or just you and your pet. Make sandcastles and show off your vintage swimsuit. This is also an excellent chance for a picnic.
* Beach ball
* Large blanket
* Bucket and scoops
* Parasol
* Basket

8. See a movie or play
- Another traditional treat. Save your pennies for a play or go and catch the latest film. There is not much required for such an enjoyable event so this is great for when you are feeling uncreative or tired.

( More to be added! )

Princess Friends

2009-09-21T15:36:00.000-07:00

I am happily living my life as a princess, but every now and then it would be nice to have someone to share it with. Yes I have friends and people to talk to, but I do not have someone who I connect with in the princess way. I have a friend who is trying to live the life of a princess, but her way sort of clashes with mine. These little issue leaves me feeling a bit lonely at times.

I wouldn't mind living my life alone, I am content with simplicity and solidarity, but company every now and then would be nice. I want to have tea parties with beautiful princess friends. Discussing pleasant things and planning our next get together. I want to walk in the park and enjoy the world around me, sharing a cream lace parasol with a dainty friend, or even a gentleman!

See, I could live a life sitting on park benches writing poetry and watching the flowers grow. Drinking tea and going to movies or libraries alone, all such pleasant thoughts. Still I think that elegant company would make those simple activities so much better. Well, until I discover friends in which I can share my graceful lifestyle I will enjoy the company of the friends I do have.

I am thankful for them all the same, sundress or safety pinned skirts~

Challenges

2009-09-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

In every day there is a challenge. It is normal to face hard and confusing times and we all have our own way of handling these situations. When I chose the life of a princess I knew that there would be discipline and certain ways of doing things, but I underestimated just how hard those things can be.

The challenge for today was composure. I came home to feed my rat and mice (I had been out at a friend's house for the weekend) and noticed that their dishes were empty. So I fed my rat and he was happy and fine and immediately ran off with the peanut. Then I went to go feed my mice but I couldn't find them. I looked through their bedding and finally found my black one almost dead, laying next to her already dead partner. My family had forgotten to feed them while I was out.

At first I couldn't believe it but soon I realized the truth and took my black mouse out of the cage. I ran and got her some soft cheese and my mother made her sugar water. I held her as she slowly nibbled on the cheese, she was almost too weak to chew. I sobbed silently and my mother apologized and helped me nurse my little mouse. Luckily she revived and was nursed back to health (she is playing in her new bedding now~) I am so happy.

What is the point of this story? Composure. Instead of having a panic attack I handled the situation the best I could and instead of being angry at my mother and the family I chose to forgive. It is easy to forget your morals when you're upset. To be honest though, I wasn't mad, that wasn't in my mind. I knew it was an accident and nursing my remaining mouse was priority. All in all I am proud of myself.

Handling situations responsibly makes them much easier and more likely to have a positive outcome. I know that this challenge was a small one, but it was perfect for my first task. On a side note, I am thankful that my mother was here to help me. Accepting help is another important lesson to learn.

I am excited for what life has in store for me.

Guidelines

2009-09-17T18:05:00.000-07:00

So now that I have established my lifestyle choice I think making some guidelines would be a good idea. Yes there is the princess code (located in the upper left hand corner of my blog for those interested) which provides an excellent idealism, but those are general "rules." I am myself and I need to establish guidelines that better suite me personally. After all, no two princesses are alike. ;)

These are a rough draft, all things are subject to change, but I will try to commit to these until time suggests otherwise;

1. Live cute.
- This means to have a cute nature, be cute, look cute, live cute.
- Important because it helps to soften your nature and make yourself a more gentle and approachable individual.

2. Be intelligent.
- This means study what you do not know and be open to learning new things.
- Important because it teaches you how to listen and new things that could potential be of use to you as well as help you be a well rounded lady.

3. Be friendly.
- This means greet everyone with a smile and hold a pleasant disposition.
- Important because it teaches tolerance and more effective ways of handling upsetting situations.

4. Manners.
- This means say please and thank you, basic table manners, all that is etiquette.
- Important because it helps you to become a proper lady and manners are just good to have in general.

5. Live beautiful.
- This means to feel beautiful and to look beautiful in YOUR opinion.
- Important because it helps with confidence and self-image issues (if you have any) and it helps you to see the beauty in the world around you.

6. Speak intelligently.
- This means to know when to say things and when not to say things.
- Important because it teaches self discipline and conversational skills.

7. Choose carefully.
- This means to consider your options when presented with a choice and/or everyday living.
- Important because this helps you to think before you act.

8. Be respectful.
- This means to show respect for everyone even if they do not deserve it in your opinion.
- Important because it helps you to keep a mannered head and looking beautiful.

9. Keep an open mind.
- This means to not judge but to try and look at the perspective of said mind.
- Important because it opens up a whole new world of possibilities and can open your one's eyes to a whole new perspective.

10. Be conversational.
- This means to practice discussing many topics and learn how to use your words appropriately.
- Important because this helps you to think before you speak and it is always good to work on your conversational skills.

11. Accept criticism.
- This means to accept the views that others have of you without taking them personally.
- Important because it helps you to grow thick skin and confidence while being able to have an outside perspective of who you are to other people.

12. Be graceful.
- This means to be aware of your actions and surroundings and pursue them gracefully, such as a humming bird to a flower.
- Important because it helps to give you a noble presence and to earn the respect of individuals around you. Grace is a key factor in living the life of a princess and it goes along perfectly with everything else.

( More to come! )

* Disclaimer, Some of these guidelines could sound solely image based but they are NOT. There is a much deeper meaning behind them (reading the importance of each guideline gives a brief explanation) If you do not like them you do not have to follow them, these are my guidelines custom for me.

Beginnings of a Princess

2009-09-17T12:49:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was a little girl I thought I was a princess. I don't mean a snooty little rich girl who gets everything she wants, but a regal an honourable woman who lives a life of simplicity and respect. I would read etiquette books and wear dainty dresses, style my hair in the prettiest ways I knew how, and talk as the princesses did in my fairytale books.

As time passed and I grew older, I stepped out of this phase of wanting to be a princess and met some dark times. I tried new things and personalities. The typical things any teenager does to find oneself, but I never did lose the feeling and appreciation for princess behaviour completely. Having a deep interest in Japanese culture, primarily the more neo-culture, I discovered this fashion called Lolita. Completely in love with the lace and frill and modern princessy look of it all I fell in love. I made wishlists and drew pictures and completely indulged in everything cute or "kawaii." But I still felt disconnected, empty. Simply having these things didn't fulfill something, but what was it?

I spent years thinking that material items would fill that void - in vain. Nothing seemed to quench my thirst, nothing! I made friends and met people who were more educated in the Lolita fashion and Japanese culture, though try as they might, nothing solved my problem. Suddenly one day while looking through my favourite online Lolita stores, I stumbled upon something called Hime Gyaru.

Hime Gyaru means princess girl in Japanese, and to put it short, the fashion is like a less dressy but more gaudy version of Sweet Lolita. Gorgeous hair gorgeous nails gorgeous everything! I researched Hime Gyaru because as any proper fashionista knows, it is always better to be educated in fashion than to jump in blindly! I learned that Hime Gyaru isn't just about fashion but also about lifestyle. They live every day looking and acting like a princess, maintaining that delicate and brilliant disposition as I had longed for as a little girl! You can only imagine how excited this made me.

I continued to indulge myself in internet sites about Hime Gyaru and living the ways of a princess ( take a look at The Princess Portal for an excellent explanation ) and I finally found that one glorious thing that could fill my void. I found not only a beautiful fashion but a beautiful lifestyle that I knew as a little girl, and know now as a young adult, would be perfect for me. This is my life as a princess, my life as an honourable and respectable adult.

R.I.P. Bettie Page

2008-12-15T19:31:00.000-08:00

When I found out Bettie Page a true pin up icon, or rather pin up GODDESS, passed away December 11th, 2008 at the age of 85, I cried. I didn't know her personally but I truly admired and loved her. I could tell you anything about her history, hand you any merchandise Bettie Page oriented, and not even think about it.

Bettie Page helped to break and free a lot of the censorship controversy with, surprisingly and effectively, a religious view. She was a devote Christian from beginning to end and never let it slip away, she just figured God gave her a body to love and enjoy, so that is exactly what she did. Happily embracing her glorious nudity, she just figured have fun! Rest in peace Bettie, the world will miss you, I know that I will.